Dear Submission Diary:
I fear rejection more than I fear drowning.
It’s probably because I’ve been spoiled for the most part. It’s been only a very few times in my life that I’ve been rejected. I’m talking sexually/romantically. But the few times it has happened, it fucking ruined me. I’ve got a high self-confidence. I bounce back quickly. If I get rejected, I usually revenge fuck a total stranger, or if I’ve been rejected romantically, I bounce into a relationship with someone who has feelings for me that I’ve no interest in.
When OKCupid was a lot younger than it is now, I took the dating persona test. You will understand when I say my result was Genghis Khunt (Random Brutal Sex Master). When I get stomped on, I have a tendency to stomp on other people when trying to explicitly prove my worthiness. I’m a piece of shit sometimes. I accept it. I try to change. I fall back on my old defense mechanism. There are really no excuses here. I’m just an ass.
My confidence is high. My self-esteem is low. It seems like it’s impossible, but it’s true. I can walk up to a stranger in a bar and confidently take him to bed. I’ve been known to attract random women when hardly doing anything at all. These aren’t boasts. Just facts. I have magnetism and charisma. I lack a feeling of self-worth. It’s a gaping hole inside of me that I try to fill with as much as I can. I used to fill it with strange sex partners, but it was too deep and I could never fill it enough and that was dangerous. I’ve tried other ways of filling that hole. Drugs. Liquor. Working myself to near exhaustion so that I wouldn’t feel or think about the sound of the emptiness inside of me, threatening to drive me mad.
It’s not that bad these days. The hole feels significantly smaller. I’m maturing and I’m learning to live inside of my own head. I have plenty of bad days still. I have bad weeks. But I have a support system for the first time in my life that makes me feel like the hole isn’t quite so big. And I’m trying to love myself. Actively, not just that thing where you say it, but you don’t mean it. I tell myself every day that I love myself, and that is enough. I cry when I say it and I still have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, but you’ve got to try, right?
Let me be very frank. My deep friendship with Sir, and all the other pieces of what makes us are a large and contributing factor to how healthy I feel mentally, some days. I may be a little dependent. But at least I’m not suicidal. That’s a lot to put on someone. A LOT. And he handles it with such skill and such grace that I think either a) he isn’t aware of how much I lean on him or b) he really is a fucking saint.
THAT is the reason why I project my fears and doubts upon him so hard (but I’m working on not being that exhausting). Anyway, all this lends itself to a problem within our dynamic.
He has told me many, many times, that I need to ask for something when I want it. I need to tell him explicitly when I feel I’m not getting what I want/need.
He’s asking me to be assertive about my sexual health/appetite/desires. He’s telling me that he wants to do everything I need sexually FOR me. He’s asking me to share myself with him on the same level that he shares himself with me. Basically, he’s begging me (yea, BEGGING) me to come out of my shell and trust him.
I trust him implicitly.
I can say that, but my rhetoric doesn’t match my ACTIONS.
I struggle with this more than anything he’s asked me to do. I’ve had several reinforcement punishments for this. I’ve had funishments for this. We’ve had deep talks about this. I’ve promised that I would do this from now on. Instead I stay mum. I get cutesy and coy and sad and I needle and I whine and I try to manipulate him into doing what I want without explicitly stating it.
And one may say…well… if you’re manipulating him into giving you what you want, isn’t that the same as telling him?
You’re dead wrong.
I am the submissive in this dynamic. If I’m manipulating him to get what I want without giving anything, there’s something wrong here. One of those breakdowns in our communication that I’ve posted about recently.
Sitting in his lap and working him up to try to get him to fuck me isn’t being a good girl.
Telling him that I need him to fuck me is being a good girl.
Acting out to get a spanking because I need/want one is not being a good girl.
Telling him that I need his discipline is being a good girl.
Telling him and asking him for what I need is not “topping from the bottom”–still fucking hate this phrase. HATE it. It’s communicating in the way that I am supposed to, in the way that our dynamic demands.
Here’s what needs to happen:
- I need to get over myself and learn to use my mouth. I can use it to sass him but I can’t use it to communicate? Get real.
- I need to understand that if he’s telling me he wants to know my desires, he probably won’t reject me once I tell him what I need/want. In fact it will probably equal more sexy/fun time for us and just be oodles of happiness.
- I need to know that if for whatever reason he cannot do what I want/need because he’s too busy/doesn’t have the time/we cannot figure out the logistics right that second–IT ISN’T A FUCKING REJECTION. I say it all the time: real life happens. But I don’t PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH. I fear him saying no like it will crush me… like I will collapse and cease to be (this is a consequence of my soul deep submission, I’m afraid). But that just isn’t so. Sir has NEVER outright rejected me unless I’m trying to squirm out of a task/punishment. It doesn’t hurt me then, why would it hurt me otherwise?
- I really need to drop these terrible ideas I have about him. I’ve known him for a fucking decade… maybe a little longer actually. He’s NEVER hurt me willfully… intentionally… etc. I trust him with my life. I trust him with my body. I trust him with my soul. I trust him with my heart. He is my best friend. My very best, ride or die, I would drop anything for him in a heartbeat best friend. He’s been there through ALL of my bullshit. I’ve hurt him deeply and he’s accepted me back into the circle of his arms without hesitation. I have no reason and nothing to fear from him. EVER.
- I need to take to my heart what I know to be true. He is the best D-type I’ve ever had. He gives me the best orgasms, the best mind fuck, the best sex. Period. But if all of that stopped tomorrow… I’d still have him. And THAT is enough.
I need to be my best self. Not for him. For me. When I am my best self for me, I will be the best partner/s-type/friend for him. It’s give and take and I’m allowing myself to take without giving. That shit don’t fly.