I think the question I am asked most often about orgasm control is tied between why and how?
Why would you voluntarily stop masturbating?
Why would you voluntarily edge yourself beyond reason?
Why would you hold yourself at the threshhold during sex?
Why don’t you just have an orgasm?
Why does he get to cum and you don’t?
Why does he get to decide how, when, and how often?
Why do you consider this a BDSM practice and not just being used by your partner?
How do you stand it?
How do you hold off?
How do you have this much will power?
How do you resist “cheating?”
How would he find out if you did “cheat?”
How healthy is it for you to do this?
How does this effect your mental health?
Orgasm control is an umbrella term, a catch-all that involves giving over control of your orgasms to another person. This includes edging, orgasm denial, forced orgasms, and essentially being told when, how, and if you will orgasm or not. Orgasm control is not part of every BDSM dynamic, but it is a healthy part of mine. Sir controls my orgasms. When we are together, I will/must/gladly ask if I can come. Unless explicitly told, I can usually come from masturbation. Most of my tasks involve orgasm control. He alternates a lot, and every task is new to the situation. For example, over the last week and a half, not only have I had to wear a glass toy to work, I have not been allowed to do anything except take it out when I get home, no matter my frustration or my desire to do other wise. I have not been allowed to touch myself or to come. Sir has fucked me twice in this period and I have not come either time. I have come close to orgasm both times, but abstained.
The answer to most of the “whys” is the same: because he says so. Part of our D/s element and our power exchange is that I am happy/satisfied/aroused by the idea/act of giving him control over something so fundamental (for me). I have a (more than) healthy sexual appetite, and if left to my own devices, I touch or stimulate myself every time I sit or lay down. I would gladly while away an afternoon masturbating to near exhaustion if I had nothing else to do or (in some cases) even if I did. Giving him control of my orgasms is a marked power exchange between us, it takes a lot of control on my part, and a lot of patience on his part. Though I am happy to do this, inevitably, I will begin to whine if I feel like it’s been too long. I’ve tried to weasel my way out of wearing the glass nearly day I’ve been on task, but if he said, “fine, go ahead and orgasm” after a lengthy task/process, I wouldn’t be satisfied. In fact, I’d probably suffer from a drop as a result of the anticipation and the “easy payoff.”
The question of why he gets to cum and I don’t, and the question of my being used are, in theory, well-meaning questions about my well-being and I appreciate them. But let me make it clear: I enjoy making him cum, even if I don’t come. He gets to cum because he’s in control and I have given him control over my orgasm. And yes, there is an element of using in our dynamic. I am not always “used,” and in fact, more often than not there is a mutual “payoff” between the two of us– I just have to ask for mine, or sometimes, he’ll just tell me to orgasm because he wants me to. But I enjoy the idea of being used sometimes, of being objectified as such awful things as a cum dumpster, cum rag, fuck toy, sex doll, or being stripped down to nothing but a set of useful holes. Not always, but a decent amount of time, this excites me, and it doesn’t take much to switch me to a willing object. Sir is a smooth operator with a silver tongue, and his power to turn me on and control the way we play is intense.
As for the first few “hows”–I find that the orgasm is as much a mental response as it is a physical response. Except I don’t think unsexy thoughts to stave off my orgasm. I’m at a point in my submission where I recognize what is happening. I’ve almost got a mental block against an orgasm without his permission. It’s so bad/good that if I’m right, right, right on the edge, when my body is clenching, and I am losing control, if he says stop… I can still stop, it just takes me a moment longer to recover. I’m trying to recall a time when I have come without his permission, and I don’t, honestly, think it has ever happened. The idea of having an orgasm without his permission does not delight even the sassiest part of me, it terrifies me beyond reason, and it makes me feel the edges of sub drop creeping in. As I have explicitly said before, the reward center of my brain exists in overdrive, and so too does the part of my brain that punishes. Again, I don’t think this is a matter of being wired differently, as much as it is a matter of being conditioned. I certainly don’t feel this way about other men or other d-types, and if another man or even another d-type told me not to have an orgasm, I would probably do it out of spite.
That is not to say that I have perfect control. Sometimes with the Wahl or the Hitachi, I have to beg him off. I usually tell him that if he doesn’t stop, I will come for sure. An ingrained part of this exchange is, he will say: no you won’t/no you aren’t. If I really think I can manage it on my own, I won’t say another word. But if it’s really too much, and I’m going to lose control, I tell him again, and he’ll usually let up on me, at least for a moment or two.
Physical health. I think that I could probably go the rest of my life without an orgasm and it wouldn’t affect my physical health. Unlike men who have a physical need to ejaculate for their health, I don’t actually know if women have a need for it, but I don’t think so, as there are many women who never orgasm and don’t have any long-term physical effects. As for mental health, that is something entirely different. Sir has never pushed me to the point that I couldn’t handle what was happening to me, and if we come to that bridge, we will have to cross it. Granted, when I’m edging or abstaining, I have a tendency to get whiny and melodramatic. I have a tendency to feel very needy or clingy, and generally, when I am eventually allowed my release, it is usually beneficial that I have aftercare, and that Sir give me some verbal validation (Good girl, you were good, you did well, I’m proud of you, that’s my girl, etc), which he does without prodding or asking from my part. I just need to know, after I have held off or edged or been forced to orgasm repeatedly… that what I have endured has pleased him… that I have pleased him.
Words like validation and ideas of self-worth based on another person’s pleasure are often, in mental health circles, considered to be dangerous ideas/words, but the kind of mind games we play, the kind of psychological D/s and S/m we engage in really requires this kind of “cleaning up” afterwards, for me to feel safe and secure.