TMI Tuesday: Bar Fly

Time for fun and cheesy pick up lines at TMI Tuesday Happy Hour

happy-hour

At the TMI Tuesday bar someone walks up to you and utters the following lines, Tell us how you would respond.

1. Would you like to fake an orgasm with me tonight?

I don’t fake orgasms, but I do break hearts.

2. Did you just fart because you are blowing me away?

The daycare is around the corner.

3. You’re hot. I’m ugly. Let’s make average babies. (Would you accept?)

You’ll have to file the proper papers for that.

4. I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

They don’t respond well to strangers.

5. You must work at Subway, ’cause you just gave me a footlong.

Looks more like a kiddie sub to me.

6. You look like a hard worker, I have an opening you can fill.

I would totally use this line on someone. No but seriously, I want to use it on someone tomorrow night.

7. I don’t feel good, I think I need a shot of penis-illin.

This is lame. I hope a guy would laugh at a woman who was using this seriously.

8. If I told you I worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package?

I would say this jokingly to Sir every day of the week bahahaha.

Bonus:  Belly up to the bar. What’s your pleasure? Which one drink would you order and why?

Slippery Nipple
No one can miss the innuendo in this drink’s name. It is comprised of equal parts Bailey’s Irish Cream and butterscotch schnapps. There are many different drink names that start with ‘Slippery’, most contain either Bailey’s Irish Cream or butterscotch schnapps.

After Sex
This drink is made with vodka, crème de bananas, and orange juice.

Leg Spreader
Not for the faint of heart, there is nothing but liquor in this drink. It is made of four equal parts of nothing but alcohol: tequila, vodka, gin, and rum. Proceed with caution!

All Night Long
The inference in this name is probably what most people wish for, but one or two or these will have you passed out on the floor all night long. It contains sweet and sour mix, coconut rum, Kahlua, crème de cacao, and pineapple juice.

Sloe Comfortable Screw
There are many drinks that play upon the pronunciation of sloe gin—pronounced slow gin. The rest of the name is a pun on all the other ingredients as well, to create a name that is as suggestive as you could want. Sloe gin for ‘slow,’ Southern Comfort for ‘comfortable,’ and orange juice and vodka for ‘screw’—as in a Screwdriver.

 

no, no, no. None of these. My sexual innuendo drink of choice is and always will be a screaming orgasm. Vodka, Bailey’s, and Kahlua. BUT you need quality vodka or the Bailey’s will just be unpalatable. So at least Grey Goose/Belvedere quality. Though, the best top shelf Vodkas I’ve ever had the pleasure of trying are definitely Snow Queen and Heavy Water, in case you were wondering.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday: Relationships

Hello. Welcome to TMI Tuesday. Up this week:

Can we talk… relationships?

relationship diagram

1. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you see an attractive person?

Well, hellooooo gorgeous.

2. What is your idea of a dream date? Describe the person and the type of date experience.

The person: Intelligent, Engaging, Witty, Charming, Flirtatious, Charismatic, Physically attractive (to me)

The date: Keep in mind, this certainly isn’t a first date with a new person, because first dates are never going to be dream dates or ideal dates (IMO). I’d like to take in an opera with someone who really appreciates opera like I do. Something beautiful and romantic and a little sad. This someone would have to understand how close to the surface my emotions lie, because opera always makes me cry, at least a little bit. We’d go back to my apartment and make a late dinner together, working quietly with and around each other in the kitchen, feeding each other tastes of unfinished courses. We’d eat, and chat or we could be silent if it was comfortable. We’d move to the balcony outside of my bedroom and share a bottle of wine or good, aged scotch and talk while the night grew darker, talk until there was a need to touch instead of speak, and we’d fall into bed together, and remain there until breakfast.

3. How many serious relationships have you had? Were you in love?

What’s the definition of a serious relationship? Is it judged based on length or “milestones” like moving in together or being engaged? Or is it based on feelings? In the case of the first, I’ve had two serious relationships. I’ve been engaged and I’ve lived with someone else. I have this problem of feeling very much in love when I’m in the heat of the moment, but later I generally realize that the relationship was a relationSHIT and was stupid and toxic and I wasn’t so much in love with them as I was completely entranced with them at the time.

I think I’ve been in love twice in my life. And neither the person I lived with or the person I was engaged to was one of those times. Though I do still have lingering hurts and pains and holes left in me from ex-fiance and ex-live in boyfriend… I’d rather not measure how much I love a person by how much I allowed them to hurt me. However, the two people that I have had real, honest “in love” feelings for have not hurt me… so maybe there is that.

4. How many casual sexual relationships have you had?

Too many.

5. What will ruin a relationship for you?

A relationship? Lack of communication, lack of intimacy, laziness, someone who doesn’t care about themselves or care to take care of themselves, someone who is unwilling to understand my goals/dreams/ambitions.

Bonus: What is your definition of sexy?

Judging based on my track record, I would say unavailability, be it emotional or sexual unavailability. That’s me being cynical.

But I think sexiness exists as an aura that people carry around them, it is borne of confidence and charisma and though it may have something to do with the way a person looks, I don’t think that the predominant factor in deciding a person’s sexiness is their looks.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Jealousy is Really Bad For Your** Relationship

**I mean it might be really bad for your relationship, but it’s actually a pretty great part of mine.

Let me be completely honest.

I’m not the jealous type. I say that and somewhere, Sir is laughing. But it’s true. I don’t mind when people flirt with my significant others. I don’t mind when they look. I don’t think that’s cheating. I walk a pretty wide line when it comes to cheating–and I, of course, give my partner the same leeway.

That’s not to say I don’t get jealous. If you give me a reason… if I catch you in a lie, for instance, my first instinct is not to let you know I caught you in a lie, my first instinct is to go from 0 to psychotic bitch in 3 seconds flat. My singular mission from then on is to figure you out, and I will figure you out. I become of a single mind and I am manipulative, persuasive and stubborn enough that I guarantee, whatever secret you’re keeping, won’t be a secret for long. And I can always spot a liar. Always. Probably because I myself am an effective liar.

But that kind of jealousy… that’s reserved for when/if you give me a reason. Don’t give me a reason? I’m chill as hell. Continue reading

The Beautiful Man Takes Me in Hand

There is something beautiful about a man that has nothing to do with the beauty of a woman; it is an alien strangeness, wholly separate from the beauty of a woman. I admire his body. He is a self-proclaimed narcissist, but at times he is utterly self-conscious. He’s had a long day at work, and he is self-conscious about his attire, but I don’t care. He wears comfy flannel pants; his boxers peek out at the top, and just above that, his hips. He is lean and long of limb, and I find him beautiful and arousing.

He has near perfect teeth, and when he grins or smirks–for that is all he does, they are lovely to look at. I am enamored of his eyes, peeking out from beneath well-shaped brows that he likes to raise at me when I’ve said something intriguing or when I’m being a brat. His lips are hard but sensuous, inviting. His hair grows like a weed, and if he cut it today, it would be long tomorrow; it hangs, lazily, like soft, melted gold or bronze. I love his beard, which grows back by the end of the day; it makes him look a little rougher and it thrills me. Continue reading