TMI Tuesday: Bar Fly

Time for fun and cheesy pick up lines at TMI Tuesday Happy Hour

happy-hour

At the TMI Tuesday bar someone walks up to you and utters the following lines, Tell us how you would respond.

1. Would you like to fake an orgasm with me tonight?

I don’t fake orgasms, but I do break hearts.

2. Did you just fart because you are blowing me away?

The daycare is around the corner.

3. You’re hot. I’m ugly. Let’s make average babies. (Would you accept?)

You’ll have to file the proper papers for that.

4. I’d like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

They don’t respond well to strangers.

5. You must work at Subway, ’cause you just gave me a footlong.

Looks more like a kiddie sub to me.

6. You look like a hard worker, I have an opening you can fill.

I would totally use this line on someone. No but seriously, I want to use it on someone tomorrow night.

7. I don’t feel good, I think I need a shot of penis-illin.

This is lame. I hope a guy would laugh at a woman who was using this seriously.

8. If I told you I worked for UPS, would you let me handle your package?

I would say this jokingly to Sir every day of the week bahahaha.

Bonus:  Belly up to the bar. What’s your pleasure? Which one drink would you order and why?

Slippery Nipple
No one can miss the innuendo in this drink’s name. It is comprised of equal parts Bailey’s Irish Cream and butterscotch schnapps. There are many different drink names that start with ‘Slippery’, most contain either Bailey’s Irish Cream or butterscotch schnapps.

After Sex
This drink is made with vodka, crème de bananas, and orange juice.

Leg Spreader
Not for the faint of heart, there is nothing but liquor in this drink. It is made of four equal parts of nothing but alcohol: tequila, vodka, gin, and rum. Proceed with caution!

All Night Long
The inference in this name is probably what most people wish for, but one or two or these will have you passed out on the floor all night long. It contains sweet and sour mix, coconut rum, Kahlua, crème de cacao, and pineapple juice.

Sloe Comfortable Screw
There are many drinks that play upon the pronunciation of sloe gin—pronounced slow gin. The rest of the name is a pun on all the other ingredients as well, to create a name that is as suggestive as you could want. Sloe gin for ‘slow,’ Southern Comfort for ‘comfortable,’ and orange juice and vodka for ‘screw’—as in a Screwdriver.

 

no, no, no. None of these. My sexual innuendo drink of choice is and always will be a screaming orgasm. Vodka, Bailey’s, and Kahlua. BUT you need quality vodka or the Bailey’s will just be unpalatable. So at least Grey Goose/Belvedere quality. Though, the best top shelf Vodkas I’ve ever had the pleasure of trying are definitely Snow Queen and Heavy Water, in case you were wondering.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday: Life of the Party

Not only is he prolific with great verse but TMI Tuesday questions too. Special thanks to virtualsin.wordpress.com for once again submitting great questions this week.

Party Fears

KEEP CALM YOU'RE INVITED2

Good News: You’ve been invited to party!
Bad News: You have certain concerns. . .

1) Arrival. Are you afraid (a) that you can’t find the address, (b) that you will be early, (c) that you will be late, (d) other?

I’m not afraid I will be late, because I am always on time for work or other important functions… I am *always* late to the party. Usually because I obsessively change my clothes a dozen times or more.

2) Clothing. Are you afraid (a) you will be underdressed, (b) overdressed, (c) dressed for the wrong activity, (d) don’t have items that you need, e.g. swimsuit, (3) other?

Overdressed, as is my curse!

3) Drinks. Are you afraid that (a) you will drink too much, (b) that you will drink too little, (c) other people will drink too much, (d) there won’t be anything good that’s non-alcoholic, (e) other?

Drink too much. I’m definitely the girl with the lampshade on her head at the end of the night if I’m not careful. And it’s hard for me to back down from a challenge.

4) Food. Are you afraid that (a) the food will be too new-fangled and trendy, (b) the food will be conventional and boring, (c) there won’t be anything you want to eat, (d) there won’t be any food and you are hungry, (e) other?

I’m not a terrible picky eater, although I swear it’s like whatever party I go to… they usually have a bunch of shit with bacon all over it, and the only refreshments they ever have (aside from booze) are various sodas. I don’t eat pork or soda, and really don’t eat too many sweets. I almost always bring a bottle of water to a party.

5) Music. Are you afraid that (a) the music will be too loud, (b) there won’t be music or you won’t be able to hear it, (c) the music will be of a new genre you don’t like or can’t understand, (d) the music will be boring oldies, (e) other?

I take offense to the idea of “oldies” being boring. I suppose I’m more afraid that the music will be far too loud for good conversation and/or give me a headache. It would have to be pretty damn loud though, since I’m used to loud music.

6) Later. Are you afraid that (a) the party will end too soon and it won’t have been worth the trouble, (b) the party will go on too long, (c) other?

I’d rather the party go on too long–I can always leave. I hate when a good party breaks up too soon, and I’m usually the person that says: hey, anyone who is game, come to this bar/my house with me.

7. Afterward. Are you afraid that (a) you will end up in bed with the wrong person and the sex will be bad, (b) the you will end up in bed with the wrong person and the sex will be great, (c) that you will end up in bed with the right person and there won’t be any sex, (d) that you will end up in bed with the right person who wants sex but you are too tired, (e) other?

Before I fuck someone, I need an attraction or chemistry. My attraction, like everyone else’s, is initially appearance based (when I’m seeing people), but if I start talking to you and you’re an idiot (I’m a judgmental asshole, sorry) we’re probably not fucking. If there is not an immediate spark, we’re probably not fucking either. I used to fuck pretty indiscriminately, but I’m at the point now that if we’re going to have a one night stand, it needs to be because I fucking NEED you right then, because the chemistry between us is so unbearable.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!