There is Power in Words

I remember the first time I heard your voice. It was like no other voice I’d ever heard. You might think it cut through me clean and surgical, tearing me asunder, rocking my world, touching me in ways unknown. But it did not. No. Your beautiful voice, with its lovely cadence, its deep timbre, its raw honesty and feeling… it could have never cut through me so perfectly.

Your voice was a ragged blade, tearing through the skin and muscle and marrow, leaving rivulets of blood blossoming from jagged edges. Your voice became a deep wound within me, unable to heal–every scab, no matter how newly formed, ripped fresh from the gash to let me bleed again. I feel you distinctly, an unending scar cut into the fabric of my soul. You are like a tattoo that only I can see, something living and breathing, a constant reminder of all that is you.

And like a tattoo, you are an addiction. I want a fresh needle, a raw wound, new blood. I ache for the sound in my ear as much as I ache for you, your body, your mind, the feel of your hands on me, the feel of my hands on you.

I thought about the first time I heard your voice, and the way it sent me spinning, reeling, flying into every moment that has passed between us since.

Who knew it would lead us here.

TMI Tuesday: The Ways You Paint Me

Color is everywhere–nature, food, clothing, skin, animals. Different colors symbolize or mean different things in different cultures. Finally, color affects mood.

Rainbowtmi

From your life, tell us about an object, experience or idea related to each of the colors of the spectrum:

1. Red:
The way I burn for him and him alone. Flames that consume me, threatening to fill my lungs and drown me in heat… the hue of my cheeks when he says beautiful or filthy words to me… the colour that his hand leaves behind on my skin.

2. Orange:
His vivacity… the way he makes me laugh on a bad day, even when I think no one else can…
3. Yellow:
The bruises ten days later, still marring my thighs and cheeks and feet… reminding me of lessons learned and the sweet pleasure that comes from the torment of pain… the way I feel when a coworker comments on my marks and I’m scrambling for an answer because I couldn’t possibly tell them what a depraved girl I have been…
4. Green:
The impossible feeling of jealousy when other eyes move over him, sizing him up, taking in all that he is, coveting what I want to  only be mine…
5. Blue:
The unfathomable depths of his eyes, all at once beautiful and terrible, all-knowing and unknowable, full of passion and longing, stern with command, dominance, dark and light, reflecting winter storms and snow clouds, bleeding out intensity that stops me in my tracks…
6. Violet:
What it feels like to hear him speak in his mother tongue to me in quiet moments of intimacy, voice husky, raspy, dark… growling out the syllables in beautiful lyricism and desperate intonation… and even the words I do not yet know the meaning of… I can hear the melody… I know the song…

 

Bonus: What is the color of sex?
Golden, like stars exploding behind my eyes, supernovas, while you whisper sweet and dirty nothings, the need in your voice makes a fire move through me and when you plead with me to whisper your name… *your* name and no one else’s, only yours because that is who and what I am—yours… molten, shining gold, like the way I feel when you tell me in the middle of sex how beautiful and desirable I am, even if in that moment, I struggle to believe it, I know your words are true because you’re saying them… honeyed bronze like the colour of your hair, and like the way I feel, glowing from the inside out with an ethereal light, like I am precious because you are so deep inside of my body and my mind, how I could not be…

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

I Have an Overactive Reward System

I’ve thought about this post and how I would approach it. Being academically minded, I felt that I could go about it from a nerdy point of view and tell you all about the nucleus accumbens and neurotransmitter dopamine, that beautiful, beautiful neurotransmitter that plays a role in arousal, addiction, and sexual gratification, among many other things. I thought I might wax about seeking and liking and rodents and stimuli. Or about serotonin and happiness and maybe even a little bit about oxytocin. But I thought it all seemed a little too clinical and would probably read like an academic paper, which I am happy to be done with, for the time being.

I thought… I might talk about my old issues with addiction to MDMA and perhaps even a sexual addiction–a concept that I wrestle with and that I’ve sought therapy for, but I am still unsure if is actually real, or if it is, if it applies to me personally. But it’s all a bit messy and a bit foggy and not worth bringing up at any length more than I already have.

But my reward system, my pleasure center, my psychological Xanadu is highly active, perhaps even overactive. Continue reading