I Wanna Shape a Hundred Million Feelings

I’m talking. As I speak, I become more aroused. Besides feeling it in my panties, I can hear it in my voice. I’m speaking dirty talk and ideas and words and my tone is becoming lower and my voice is becoming throaty. Sultry is, maybe, the word.

I’m talking fantasy and I’m aroused. And I know you are too. And I can tell you become more so by the tone of your voice. And I wonder if you’re answering in kind because you are genuinely excited or because by myself I’m boring you. This is how I am. This is how I think sometimes.

“Baby, you’re so careful with your language, with your words. You’re always worried about whether you’re going to weird me out or upset me. Say what’s really on your mind now, let it pour out.”

He’s right. There are words I’d love to say to him. Dirty, disgusting things. Sweet, emotional things. Strange, and maybe disturbing things. In the heat of these moments, I am not really responsible for the thoughts that cross my mind and my heart. But I am responsible for keeping them close to the bone.

“Let it pour out.”

I’m not sure if you know what you’re asking. I am not sure if I let you in behind my last wall, it’s a place where you would want to be. I cannot let the gate peak open. I am an all or nothing girl, and you know this better than anyone else. If the flood is allowed, it will be a deluge that doesn’t end.

I fear what I might share with you or say to you if I did not keep such a tight lid on my mouth, on the things I think about, on the things I want. But sometimes I want to. Sometimes I do want to give you the last inch of me.

But sometimes it is the last thing that I fear.

3 responses to “I Wanna Shape a Hundred Million Feelings

  1. The last thing that I fear – that is a piercing thought… why hold onto it after overcoming so many other fearful thoughts …what will you hold onto then? Something greater can appear in it’s place…but fear is so well “known”, what the hell. When fear turns into questioning, something shifts. I’m just thinking aloud wondering how you think about these things yourself. I think you have a special guy to explore all of these gritty sexy parts of life with. I wish I could order one of him but that’s not reality. At least I can and have read your inner adventures. That and you writing in the luscious visceral way that you do has given me much. ( Why am I writing like I’m signing your yearbook…I have no clue.) You sound happy and I’m happy for you. xoxo, Jayne

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