How to Scare Friends and Alienate People: Or, Why I am in the Dungeon

If you’re not following Mrs Fever’s blog, you should be.

That picture is a link. Click it. Follow. She is sexy. She is philosophical. She is a little educational(!). She is very real.

And she has graciously hosted a guest blogger series on several different topics over the last couple of years, a few of which I have taken part in. She is currently hosting a series on “Coming Out”–on being your authentic self.

There are already posts up from this week that are well worth reading and commenting on. And today, my post is up. You can read this HERE.

I am Here, No Matter Where You Are

I haven’t felt like yours.

This is not some failing on your part or, as I try to convince myself, mine, but it is a matter of fact brought about by circumstance. Familial obligations and work stress for me, work and sickness for you. Time is ever our enemy. I have known this for a long time. The handful of times we’ve managed to connect over the last month, you’ve done your level best to make me feel… everything. Selfishly, I do not think I have done the same for you… and when I am in this mood, I wonder if these are things you even need from me. It has been rough on me because I have a gaping chasm of need within me that is hard to ever fill. It has been hard to me because I’ve been focusing on the inevitable and worrying about all the wasted time. I stress myself out needlessly.

For the first time in years. I haven’t felt like yours. Not an ounce. Not an inch. I’ve felt… removed. Dormant. Quiet. Alone.

I need to reiterate that there is nothing you could’ve done to change this. That there is nothing that you did to cause this.

I haven’t felt like yours.

And when we came together today… not Fatal and Sir but You and I, as I have come to know us, when we came together and you spoke those heated words, dripping with the knowledge of ownership, with the simple understanding that I am yours… when you spoke those words, it opened something inside of me. All at once there was a bleeding, gushing, hemorrhaging wound in my heart.

I am yours. Everything that I am.

I remembered, like the words of a song I used to know, it returned to me at once. And I was sobbing and could not stop. I could not speak to you, so overcome with need and emotion I was.

I am saboteur of my own happiness. I cannot have what I need and want when I stand in my own way.

I need to sleep. And there will  be a spanking. And I will sob. And it will hurt because it has been so long. And I will weep. And there will be catharsis. And I will beg you to be inside of my body. To mark me in a way that will leave echoes  of ownership on my skin. Because I need it. Because I need you.

I need to feel like I am yours.

Past All Thought of If or When, No Use Resisting

It is 4 am and I feel the warm cascades of sleep threatening to envelop me, but so too do I feel aroused, in need. We’ve talked all night and it’s miraculous that I’ve kept my hands to myself until now. I am feeling pliant–no, more than pliant, I am feeling subservient, submissive. How strange the subtle difference between being willing to be used and wanting to be of use. Not just to be of use. I want… pleasure. Of a kind that only he can bring. Like reading my thoughts, maybe reading the tension, reading me, suddenly warm and fidgety and doe-eyed, he speaks up first.

“What do you want, baby? Anything your sweet little heart desires.”

TMI Tuesday: The Ways You Paint Me

Color is everywhere–nature, food, clothing, skin, animals. Different colors symbolize or mean different things in different cultures. Finally, color affects mood.

From your life, tell us about an object, experience or idea related to each of the colors of the spectrum:

1. Red:
The way I burn for him and him alone. Flames that consume me, threatening to fill my lungs and drown me in heat… the hue of my cheeks when he says beautiful or filthy words to me… the colour that his hand leaves behind on my skin.

2. Orange:
His vivacity… the way he makes me laugh on a bad day, even when I think no one else can…
3. Yellow:
The bruises ten days later, still marring my thighs and cheeks and feet… reminding me of lessons learned and the sweet pleasure that comes from the torment of pain… the way I feel when a coworker comments on my marks and I’m scrambling for an answer because I couldn’t possibly tell them what a depraved girl I have been…
4. Green:
The impossible feeling of jealousy when other eyes move over him, sizing him up, taking in all that he is, coveting what I want to  only be mine…
5. Blue:
The unfathomable depths of his eyes, all at once beautiful and terrible, all-knowing and unknowable, full of passion and longing, stern with command, dominance, dark and light, reflecting winter storms and snow clouds, bleeding out intensity that stops me in my tracks…
6. Violet:
What it feels like to hear him speak in his mother tongue to me in quiet moments of intimacy, voice husky, raspy, dark… growling out the syllables in beautiful lyricism and desperate intonation… and even the words I do not yet know the meaning of… I can hear the melody… I know the song…

 

Bonus: What is the color of sex?
Golden, like stars exploding behind my eyes, supernovas, while you whisper sweet and dirty nothings, the need in your voice makes a fire move through me and when you plead with me to whisper your name… *your* name and no one else’s, only yours because that is who and what I am—yours… molten, shining gold, like the way I feel when you tell me in the middle of sex how beautiful and desirable I am, even if in that moment, I struggle to believe it, I know your words are true because you’re saying them… honeyed bronze like the colour of your hair, and like the way I feel, glowing from the inside out with an ethereal light, like I am precious because you are so deep inside of my body and my mind, how I could not be…

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Like Playing Two Truths and a Lie

I get them so rarely–comparatively, given the life of the blog, but my favorite emails are ones in which readers think they have spotted Sir and I out and about in public. If they don’t provide descriptions, I always email back and ask, because I find these both interesting and telling.

Some recent favorites:

Short redhead and tall, well-built man at a grocery store in (my city). She was wearing this retro pin-up dress and heels and a collar and the man kept patting her ass affectionately and tugging on her D-ring. Pretty sure it was you two out shopping for dinner!

Two hipster looking youths–early to mid twenties, both covered in tattoos, the man with an air of something hyper masculine about him. The girl, short and coquettish with glasses with no lenses.

Two professional looking types, early thirties, at an airport. The woman is a short redhead in high heels, and the man a brassy blonde in a well-cut suit. They are leaving on different planes and both carry suitcases. They are unafraid of PDA and share a passionate kiss before they part ways.

I swear I saw you at (name of local fetish/sex club). You look just the way you describe in your blog, and I’d know those full, pouted lips anywhere. He was spanking you in a crowd of people and you were wearing a bustier. There was a pseudo gang bang that you found yourselves in the middle of. I respect a man who can pull off leather pants.

 

I’ve been very lax in mentioning the city I live in on the blog, because it’s a huge city and giant tourist destination, so I’ve felt comfortable and anonymous even though everyone knows the name. Consequently, these don’t make me uncomfortable, but I marvel at the little things that people have right, and the large things that they have wrong. I like to peek over your shoulder and know what you think of Sir and I… the kinds of people you think we are, the every day bodies we inhabit outside of Fatal and Sir.

Kinky people are among us… and truly, you might find us in any of these scenarios, because we are normal people. I’ve never been approached by someone who reads my blog in person–I imagine this is because I don’t put many pictures up and the ones I do put up are not very revealing, but I wonder how I’d react. Probably deny, deny, deny, to be honest, but the tiny exhibitionist in me might say: “well… perhaps,” and blush, coquettishly, as one person described me. And maybe the arm of the man beside me would wrap protectively around my waist and he’d pat my ass affectionately, and smirk.

I don’t know about the leather pants though. *snort*

If We’re Talking Body, You’ve Got a Perfect One, So Put it on Me

The long fingers of one hand wrap around my throat, his other arm snakes around my waist and he hoists me up and pins my back against the long line of his body. He growls in my ear; wordless, a raw, animal sound. My fingers automatically close around his wrists and stroke at his skin. His body is vibrating behind mine; he is heat lightning and raw thunder and energy. I feel small and vulnerable in his hands. His teeth close around my earlobe and he drags the flesh into his mouth. His thumb at my windpipe slows my breathing down until all I can take are deep, slow breaths, fighting for the little air he does allow me. His hand at my waist forces its way in between my skin and my clothing, sneaking past my skirt and rubbing against the outside of my panties, stroking me between my thighs.  I can’t help but rock my hips, but let my fingers snake around his wrists. There is heat inside of him, an urgency born of jealousy and a fire that’s been simmering all day.

TMI Tuesday: Odds and Ends

This week’s TMI Tuesday is an outlet for the quirky you. It’s titled Odd and Ends because it is the leftover ideas/questions/thoughts that couldn’t fit into a theme but I know it’s TMI you want to share 🙂

Let’s Play…

1. How addicted are you? You are in a rush, there is no time to make your morning coffee or stop to buy it. However, you can save time and get your “energy high” by brushing your teeth with a caffeine-infused toothbrush. Would you buy and use this product? Why or why not?

I metabolize caffeine pretty fast, so I drink coffee for the taste, rather than the caffeine infusion. Sooo that would have to be a no.

2. You made a sex list of all the things you’d like to do but haven’t done. The list was lost and discovered by your boss at work. He/she ask if they can help you tick a few items off the list. What do you say?

Uhhh. Nahhh I’m good.

3. Sex around the house. Have you ever been bent over the kitchen counter or bent a lover over the kitchen counter and fucked? What did you like most about it? What did you like least?

I’m a little too short to get bent over the counter. :]
HOWEVER, I have definitely been lifted up against the counter and bent over the kitchen table.

4. Sexting…How do you really feel about it?
a. Meh? Not my thing.
b. Can take it or leave it, usually have to be begged to do it
c. I like it, it’s like foreplay.
d. Love it! I’m always sending naughty notes and steamy pics.
e. What’s your number? I have a daily sexting list, wanna sign up?

I’m between c/d. I love being mentally stimulated, and just like I enjoy reading a good erotica, if my fellow sexter knows how to write passion via text/email/whatever I enjoy reading it. I also love sending Sir sexy photos.

5. What do you love to sniff? Why?

Fresh laundry; it makes me happy.
My hair fresh from the shower; it smells delish.
My perfume; I like it!
His cologne; I love it.
His skin; I can’t get enough.
His tee shirt after working out; what a sexual smell.
Warm rain on a summer’s day; Heated petrichor… one of the best scents in the world.
The indescribable scent of winter after fresh snow; nostalgia.
Pine trees; makes me think of Christmas
Jute, Hemp, Jojoba; makes me think of bondage
Leather; makes me think of spanking.
Homemade tomato sauce; makes me think of grandma.
Fresh baked oatmeal cookies; see above.
Strawberry fields; makes me feel like a child again.

I’m going to stop the list here. I love to smell things. haha.

Bonus: What is it? Explain how you would use it.

Looks like a device for either male chastity, cock bondage, or CBT. I could be wrong… but I am well-versed in exactly none of these things, so I’d probably use it as a key chain.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Sometimes I Need to Get Rough (With Myself)

Dear Submission Diary:

I fear rejection more than I fear drowning.

I Have an Overactive Reward System

I’ve thought about this post and how I would approach it. Being academically minded, I felt that I could go about it from a nerdy point of view and tell you all about the nucleus accumbens and neurotransmitter dopamine, that beautiful, beautiful neurotransmitter that plays a role in arousal, addiction, and sexual gratification, among many other things. I thought I might wax about seeking and liking and rodents and stimuli. Or about serotonin and happiness and maybe even a little bit about oxytocin. But I thought it all seemed a little too clinical and would probably read like an academic paper, which I am happy to be done with, for the time being.

I thought… I might talk about my old issues with addiction to MDMA and perhaps even a sexual addiction–a concept that I wrestle with and that I’ve sought therapy for, but I am still unsure if is actually real, or if it is, if it applies to me personally. But it’s all a bit messy and a bit foggy and not worth bringing up at any length more than I already have.

But my reward system, my pleasure center, my psychological Xanadu is highly active, perhaps even overactive.

On Why We Are and Why We Are Not in a Punishment Dynamic

You cannot actually define anything in BDSM except for what the all-important acronyms stand for (Bondage/Discipline; Dominance/Submission; Sado-Masochism) [[side note, I capitalized everything just to be a Twit]] and then there is SSC(Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and WIITWD (What It Is That We Do) and TPE (Total Power Exchange) and OTK (Over The Knee[[YES PLEASE!]]) and of course everyone’s favorite… BBBJCIMNQNS.

If you can guess that one without googling, I’ll bake you a pie (and not JUST because it’s Pi day!).