I Wanna Shape a Hundred Million Feelings

I’m talking. As I speak, I become more aroused. Besides feeling it in my panties, I can hear it in my voice. I’m speaking dirty talk and ideas and words and my tone is becoming lower and my voice is becoming throaty. Sultry is, maybe, the word.

I’m talking fantasy and I’m aroused. And I know you are too. And I can tell you become more so by the tone of your voice. And I wonder if you’re answering in kind because you are genuinely excited or because by myself I’m boring you. This is how I am. This is how I think sometimes.

“Baby, you’re so careful with your language, with your words. You’re always worried about whether you’re going to weird me out or upset me. Say what’s really on your mind now, let it pour out.”

He’s right. There are words I’d love to say to him. Dirty, disgusting things. Sweet, emotional things. Strange, and maybe disturbing things. In the heat of these moments, I am not really responsible for the thoughts that cross my mind and my heart. But I am responsible for keeping them close to the bone.

“Let it pour out.”

I’m not sure if you know what you’re asking. I am not sure if I let you in behind my last wall, it’s a place where you would want to be. I cannot let the gate peak open. I am an all or nothing girl, and you know this better than anyone else. If the flood is allowed, it will be a deluge that doesn’t end.

I fear what I might share with you or say to you if I did not keep such a tight lid on my mouth, on the things I think about, on the things I want. But sometimes I want to. Sometimes I do want to give you the last inch of me.

But sometimes it is the last thing that I fear.

How to Scare Friends and Alienate People: Or, Why I am in the Dungeon

If you’re not following Mrs Fever’s blog, you should be.
fever
That picture is a link. Click it. Follow. She is sexy. She is philosophical. She is a little educational(!). She is very real.

And she has graciously hosted a guest blogger series on several different topics over the last couple of years, a few of which I have taken part in. She is currently hosting a series on “Coming Out”–on being your authentic self.

There are already posts up from this week that are well worth reading and commenting on. And today, my post is up. You can read this HERE.

Milestones and Misconceptions

WordPress tells me that yesterday (8/16) is the five-year anniversary of my blog. It’s only actively been in this incarnation since around… January of 2012, but I have been writing here since 2009. WordPress is also telling me that I’m nearing my 500th post on this blog (that includes private posts). I’m thinking of some way to mark the passing of the blogiversary and the 500 posts, but I’m not sure how yet? This is part of my rather intense need to mark every milestone in some way–I can’t let birthdays, anniversaries, holidays pass without some fanfare. Being my friend or lover is dangerous business around your birthday! Ask Sir. =P
Continue reading

If You’re Asking

I’m 95 percent sure that if you asked Sir how he self-identifies/labels himself in the context of BDSM he would not say Dominant/Top/Master. He would (nearly) undoubtedly say: Sadist. I’m not his first foray into the lifestyle, so I am not vain enough to say his Dominance is a reactionary consequence of my Submission, more like it is something natural about him… an aura he wears, so to speak. I laugh a lot at people who claim to be naturally Dominant or Submissive, but mainly internet Doms who are “looking for a natural Submissive.” I don’t know why, it just makes me giggle.

But I think Sir has a “natural Dominant aura” about him. Though most people associate being a Sadist with being a “Top” and being a Masochist with being a “Bottom” that is not always true. There are plenty of tops–D-types, who enjoy having pain inflicted upon them, and likewise, there are bottoms–S-types, who enjoy inflicting pain. So he isn’t Dominant because he is a Sadist. Continue reading

Jealousy is Really Bad For Your** Relationship

**I mean it might be really bad for your relationship, but it’s actually a pretty great part of mine.

Let me be completely honest.

I’m not the jealous type. I say that and somewhere, Sir is laughing. But it’s true. I don’t mind when people flirt with my significant others. I don’t mind when they look. I don’t think that’s cheating. I walk a pretty wide line when it comes to cheating–and I, of course, give my partner the same leeway.

That’s not to say I don’t get jealous. If you give me a reason… if I catch you in a lie, for instance, my first instinct is not to let you know I caught you in a lie, my first instinct is to go from 0 to psychotic bitch in 3 seconds flat. My singular mission from then on is to figure you out, and I will figure you out. I become of a single mind and I am manipulative, persuasive and stubborn enough that I guarantee, whatever secret you’re keeping, won’t be a secret for long. And I can always spot a liar. Always. Probably because I myself am an effective liar.

But that kind of jealousy… that’s reserved for when/if you give me a reason. Don’t give me a reason? I’m chill as hell. Continue reading

TMI Tuesday: Never Far From My Thoughts

Some things to think about

tmi thinking

1. Name something you always carry with you?

My heart on my sleeve and my intentions in my eyes.

2. Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? Who? Why?

Yes. I’m sure he knows. Always, at least once a day.

3. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would it be?

If my funeral were tomorrow, people would say: she had such a big heart. I hope, someday, to be remembered for more than that.

4. Tell us something new that you learned in the last month?

Nothing is ever what it seems. The spirit of a person can be unbreakable.

5. What are you pretending not to know? Why?

Many truths and some lies. Because it’s easier just to keep the peace.

6. Are you happy with other people’s perception of you?

I want to be the person that says that I don’t give a fuck and mean it, but that’s not true. With that being said, you can never really know what a person actually thinks about you, so I do my level best to try not to worry about it too much.

7. Are you generally focused on today or tomorrow?

I’m generally focused on the moment. I’m always thinking about tomorrow. Lately I’ve been dwelling on yesterday.

Bonus:  How do you eat Oreos? Which method best matches your Oreo cookie eating style?
a. Pick it up, bite into it.
b. Twist it open, eat each half separately
c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate cookie half separately.

I always dunk my Oreos in milk! If I don’t have milk, I rarely eat oreos. But if I’m grabbing one and running, I usually twist it open and eat each half separately.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!