I Wanna Shape a Hundred Million Feelings

I’m talking. As I speak, I become more aroused. Besides feeling it in my panties, I can hear it in my voice. I’m speaking dirty talk and ideas and words and my tone is becoming lower and my voice is becoming throaty. Sultry is, maybe, the word.

I’m talking fantasy and I’m aroused. And I know you are too. And I can tell you become more so by the tone of your voice. And I wonder if you’re answering in kind because you are genuinely excited or because by myself I’m boring you. This is how I am. This is how I think sometimes.

“Baby, you’re so careful with your language, with your words. You’re always worried about whether you’re going to weird me out or upset me. Say what’s really on your mind now, let it pour out.”

He’s right. There are words I’d love to say to him. Dirty, disgusting things. Sweet, emotional things. Strange, and maybe disturbing things. In the heat of these moments, I am not really responsible for the thoughts that cross my mind and my heart. But I am responsible for keeping them close to the bone.

“Let it pour out.”

I’m not sure if you know what you’re asking. I am not sure if I let you in behind my last wall, it’s a place where you would want to be. I cannot let the gate peak open. I am an all or nothing girl, and you know this better than anyone else. If the flood is allowed, it will be a deluge that doesn’t end.

I fear what I might share with you or say to you if I did not keep such a tight lid on my mouth, on the things I think about, on the things I want. But sometimes I want to. Sometimes I do want to give you the last inch of me.

But sometimes it is the last thing that I fear.

How to Scare Friends and Alienate People: Or, Why I am in the Dungeon

If you’re not following Mrs Fever’s blog, you should be.

That picture is a link. Click it. Follow. She is sexy. She is philosophical. She is a little educational(!). She is very real.

And she has graciously hosted a guest blogger series on several different topics over the last couple of years, a few of which I have taken part in. She is currently hosting a series on “Coming Out”–on being your authentic self.

There are already posts up from this week that are well worth reading and commenting on. And today, my post is up. You can read this HERE.

Milestones and Misconceptions

WordPress tells me that yesterday (8/16) is the five-year anniversary of my blog. It’s only actively been in this incarnation since around… January of 2012, but I have been writing here since 2009. WordPress is also telling me that I’m nearing my 500th post on this blog (that includes private posts). I’m thinking of some way to mark the passing of the blogiversary and the 500 posts, but I’m not sure how yet? This is part of my rather intense need to mark every milestone in some way–I can’t let birthdays, anniversaries, holidays pass without some fanfare. Being my friend or lover is dangerous business around your birthday! Ask Sir. =P

If You’re Asking

I’m 95 percent sure that if you asked Sir how he self-identifies/labels himself in the context of BDSM he would not say Dominant/Top/Master. He would (nearly) undoubtedly say: Sadist. I’m not his first foray into the lifestyle, so I am not vain enough to say his Dominance is a reactionary consequence of my Submission, more like it is something natural about him… an aura he wears, so to speak. I laugh a lot at people who claim to be naturally Dominant or Submissive, but mainly internet Doms who are “looking for a natural Submissive.” I don’t know why, it just makes me giggle.

But I think Sir has a “natural Dominant aura” about him. Though most people associate being a Sadist with being a “Top” and being a Masochist with being a “Bottom” that is not always true. There are plenty of tops–D-types, who enjoy having pain inflicted upon them, and likewise, there are bottoms–S-types, who enjoy inflicting pain. So he isn’t Dominant because he is a Sadist.

Jealousy is Really Bad For Your** Relationship

**I mean it might be really bad for your relationship, but it’s actually a pretty great part of mine.

Let me be completely honest.

I’m not the jealous type. I say that and somewhere, Sir is laughing. But it’s true. I don’t mind when people flirt with my significant others. I don’t mind when they look. I don’t think that’s cheating. I walk a pretty wide line when it comes to cheating–and I, of course, give my partner the same leeway.

That’s not to say I don’t get jealous. If you give me a reason… if I catch you in a lie, for instance, my first instinct is not to let you know I caught you in a lie, my first instinct is to go from 0 to psychotic bitch in 3 seconds flat. My singular mission from then on is to figure you out, and I will figure you out. I become of a single mind and I am manipulative, persuasive and stubborn enough that I guarantee, whatever secret you’re keeping, won’t be a secret for long. And I can always spot a liar. Always. Probably because I myself am an effective liar.

But that kind of jealousy… that’s reserved for when/if you give me a reason. Don’t give me a reason? I’m chill as hell.

Acceptance and Affirmation

Dear submission diary:

TMI Tuesday: Never Far From My Thoughts

Some things to think about

1. Name something you always carry with you?

My heart on my sleeve and my intentions in my eyes.

2. Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? Who? Why?

Yes. I’m sure he knows. Always, at least once a day.

3. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would it be?

If my funeral were tomorrow, people would say: she had such a big heart. I hope, someday, to be remembered for more than that.

4. Tell us something new that you learned in the last month?

Nothing is ever what it seems. The spirit of a person can be unbreakable.

5. What are you pretending not to know? Why?

Many truths and some lies. Because it’s easier just to keep the peace.

6. Are you happy with other people’s perception of you?

I want to be the person that says that I don’t give a fuck and mean it, but that’s not true. With that being said, you can never really know what a person actually thinks about you, so I do my level best to try not to worry about it too much.

7. Are you generally focused on today or tomorrow?

I’m generally focused on the moment. I’m always thinking about tomorrow. Lately I’ve been dwelling on yesterday.

Bonus:  How do you eat Oreos? Which method best matches your Oreo cookie eating style?
a. Pick it up, bite into it.
b. Twist it open, eat each half separately
c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate cookie half separately.

I always dunk my Oreos in milk! If I don’t have milk, I rarely eat oreos. But if I’m grabbing one and running, I usually twist it open and eat each half separately.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

A Treatise on Orgasm Control (In My Dynamic)

I think the question I am asked most often about orgasm control is tied between why and how?

Why would you voluntarily stop masturbating?
Why would you voluntarily edge yourself beyond reason?
Why would you hold yourself at the threshhold during sex?
Why don’t you just have an orgasm?
Why does he get to cum and you don’t?
Why does he get to decide how, when, and how often?
Why do you consider this a BDSM practice and not just being used by your partner?

How do you stand it?
How do you hold off?
How do you have this much will power?
How do you resist “cheating?”
How would he find out if you did “cheat?”
How healthy is it for you to do this?
How does this effect your mental health?

Fetlife is Full of Silly Surveys

1. What’s your favorite aspect of BDSM (B/D D/S S/M)?
   Uhm, I think that b/d and s/m contribute equally to my preferred form of d/s… so all of the above? Or maybe just d/s. Hmmm.
2. What aspect of BDSM do you engage in most?
   Erm, probably d/s.
3. Do you participate in body worship?
   I guess you could say so. I participate in cock worship, for sure.
4. What’s the sexiest thing about your partner(s)?
   Wow. That’s a bit hard to choose… Man. Well I could cop out and say that his mind is the sexiest thing about him, seeing as it is responsible for so many of our best ‘sessions.’ I could say his voice, because it has the ability to make me weak at the knees. I could say his eyes because one look can still me in my tracks. I could say his hands, his shoulders, his neck… I could go on. He’s sexy. haha.
5. What do you think they think is your sexiest attribute?
   Judging just from his reactions alone? I know he’s well and aurally stimulated like I am, so I could say my voice, and I could easily say my tits or my ass, but it might be my face. According to him, I wear everything on my face, and I do know that he delights in seeing my delight on my face. I could be wrong though.
6. Do you do a lot of dirty talk or sexting?
   Yep.
7. What’s the sexiest thing your partner(s) can say to turn you on or help get you “there”?
   Anything? Listening to him speak is a treat unto itself, but when he says/growls/moans Fatal (myname), Pooh, baby… I feel like I could melt. Also, recently, when he says: Open up your thighs, I want to be able to smell you/taste you on the air–uhm. Fuck.
8. What’s the sexiest thing you say to your partner(s) to turn them on or help get them “there”?
   If I had to guess I’d say that when I praise his cock or call him Daddy, or admit something that I’m shying away from… or maybe when I say his name when I’m coming/about to come.
9. Do you own a lot of sex toys?
   Not a lot, no. Enough, I’d say… I could probably stand to add a few more.
10. Do you or your partner(s) worry that sex toys might hinder your sexual relationship?
    I don’t think sex toys hinder my sexual relationship, I think they add a bit to it. And I have yet to experience desensitization from my Hitachi or my Wahl.
11. Do you and your partner(s) practice orgasm control (forced orgasms or orgasm denial, edging, etc)?
    He controls my orgasms. I have to ask when we’re together. I don’t always get to when I want to, and I don’t always get to stop when I want to.
12. Do you/does your partner(s) “squirt”?
    Yes, I do. But I’m a little shy/embarrassed about it. A fact which I find both delights and probably frustrates Sir.
13. Are you or your partner(s) multi-orgasmic? What is the most number of orgasms you or your partner(s) has had in a session?
    Uhm, I am multi-orgasmic. I think I’ve had six or seven in a little under an hour and I was ready to tap out and be done because I felt like I was going to pass out. He’s got the stamina of a horse, so he’s a little less multi-orgasmic.
14. Do you and your partner(s) utilize a safety word and if so, have you ever had to use it?
    I don’t use a safety word with Sir. I don’t need to. Beyond an inherent amount of trust, there is also quite excellent communication going on the whole time. He has a tendency to ask me continuously throughout if I am okay, and if it is good, etc.
15. Do you practice S.S.C. or R.A.C.K.?
    RACK is closer to what we practice.
16. Do you have any kinks that might be considered strange or out of the norm (even by kinky community standards)?
    Uhm, I have a serial killer clown fetish (the Joker) and the masochism is strong in this one. But, I mean really strong, like sometimes I fantasize about broken bones and evisceration kind of strong. I need a Sadist who can keep both of us in check, which I thankfully have.
17. Describe your idea of Vanilla sex.
    My idea of vanilla sex? Sex without a single element of BDSM or “kink” involved. No throat grabbing, hair pulling, ass slapping, no calling him Daddy, no taking orders. When I think of pure and straight vanilla sex, the first thought/visual I have isn’t what (I imagine) most people have (missionary sex on a bed)–I think I just imagine something a little juvenile, like necking teenagers, with lots of kissing and humping, and quick fumbling of clothes, maybe in the back of a car seat on the side of the road on a warm night in August. Maybe that’s just because I haven’t had just straight vanilla sex in that long. I don’t see a problem with vanilla sex. Sex is sex and I delight in it no matter what, but I prefer sex with elements of bdsm.
18. Describe your ideal BDSM play session.
    Ideal BDSM session. Hmm. I suppose ideally, it would include some heavy impact play, some sensory deprivation, a little limit pushing, amazing sex? Or, optionally, some 50s fetish roleplay… it’s one of my favorite games. haha. It’s so hard to describe one’s “ideal” scene.
19. Describe a fantasy you would like to act out.
    I’ve been curious about e-stim and firecupping, branding, cell popping, etc. I’ve also been obsessed with some highly public play.
20. What advice do you have for those just entering into the lifestyle?
    Communication, Trust, Patience, a Willingness to Explore.

TMI Tuesday: My Body is Ready

Preparing the Body

1. Do you prefer your lover:

a) fresh from the bath and perfumed?
b) fresh from the bath without perfume?
c) clean but not right from the tub or shower?
d) slightly sweaty (or musky)?

B) especially if I helped them do the cleaning and D) I looooove the smell of a man who’s been sweating–working out, working, etc.

2. Do you maintain your body for sex with respect to facial hair, body hair, pubic hair, fingernails or toenails?

I maintain my body for me personally, rather meticulously, actually. But I suppose I do a once over before sex, sure.

3. Do you maintain/prepare according to your lover’s preferences?

Not usually, no. Though Sir has made me grow out my pubic hair before, because he likes a little tuft… also because I have a bit of a firecrotch, and he knows I’m slightly embarrassed by it.

4. Do you have body adornments such as piercings or tattoos for sexual reasons? Does your lover?

I have a tattoo that is representative of my sexuality and submission. I used to have a nipple piercing… that I’ve (lately) been seriously considering repiercing.

5. Do you choose any cosmetics, lubes, condoms or other sexually relevant items according to how they taste? Do you not use them because of the taste?

I generally don’t like the taste of flavored lubes and condoms.

6. Is there a taste or aroma that turns you on or that you can use to turn on your lover?

Everything about the scent of a man turns me on: skin, sweat, cologne. I’m most often complimented by the scent of my hair, my perfume (I have two scents that I use), and my skin.

Bonus: Do you prepare a room for sex–mood music, candles, scent, cleaning it or anything? Tell us about it.

Sometimes I put on music. Or sometimes it is already on. I’ve put on candles before, but I prefer a roaring fire. I don’t scent the room. And I keep my bedroom relatively clean. But I love to have sex on fresh, clean sheets.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!