I am Here, No Matter Where You Are

I haven’t felt like yours.

This is not some failing on your part or, as I try to convince myself, mine, but it is a matter of fact brought about by circumstance. Familial obligations and work stress for me, work and sickness for you. Time is ever our enemy. I have known this for a long time. The handful of times we’ve managed to connect over the last month, you’ve done your level best to make me feel… everything. Selfishly, I do not think I have done the same for you… and when I am in this mood, I wonder if these are things you even need from me. It has been rough on me because I have a gaping chasm of need within me that is hard to ever fill. It has been hard to me because I’ve been focusing on the inevitable and worrying about all the wasted time. I stress myself out needlessly.

For the first time in years. I haven’t felt like yours. Not an ounce. Not an inch. I’ve felt… removed. Dormant. Quiet. Alone.

I need to reiterate that there is nothing you could’ve done to change this. That there is nothing that you did to cause this.

I haven’t felt like yours.

And when we came together today… not Fatal and Sir but You and I, as I have come to know us, when we came together and you spoke those heated words, dripping with the knowledge of ownership, with the simple understanding that I am yours… when you spoke those words, it opened something inside of me. All at once there was a bleeding, gushing, hemorrhaging wound in my heart.

I am yours. Everything that I am.

I remembered, like the words of a song I used to know, it returned to me at once. And I was sobbing and could not stop. I could not speak to you, so overcome with need and emotion I was.

I am saboteur of my own happiness. I cannot have what I need and want when I stand in my own way.

I need to sleep. And there will  be a spanking. And I will sob. And it will hurt because it has been so long. And I will weep. And there will be catharsis. And I will beg you to be inside of my body. To mark me in a way that will leave echoes  of ownership on my skin. Because I need it. Because I need you.

I need to feel like I am yours.

Past All Thought of If or When, No Use Resisting

It is 4 am and I feel the warm cascades of sleep threatening to envelop me, but so too do I feel aroused, in need. We’ve talked all night and it’s miraculous that I’ve kept my hands to myself until now. I am feeling pliant–no, more than pliant, I am feeling subservient, submissive. How strange the subtle difference between being willing to be used and wanting to be of use. Not just to be of use. I want… pleasure. Of a kind that only he can bring. Like reading my thoughts, maybe reading the tension, reading me, suddenly warm and fidgety and doe-eyed, he speaks up first.

“What do you want, baby? Anything your sweet little heart desires.”

TMI Tuesday: Get inside my Head

Oh Behave.

This week TMI Tuesday takes its cue from the world of psychology and sociology, which both deal with behavior.

1. Catharsis – What behavior or activity do you do to achieve catharsis.

Weep and Sob, self destruct, sex, rage, etc etc.

2. Self-affirmations was made famous by Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley (now Senator Al Franken): “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me.” What self-affirmation do you say/or should you say to yourself?

I don’t self-affirm. I’m not quite at the self actualization part of the pyramid yet. I suppose I should, it might make me a better person, except it’s pretty hard to look in a mirror these days.

3. “I knew it all along.” What did you know all along?

That this is all there was.

4. Daydreaming. About whom or what was your last daydream?

Whom? Naturally it was about Sir. When is it not? Tsk.
What? I was imagining myself in a different country.

5. We all have fears. What fear (real or improbable) have you taken steps against to protect yourself.

I fear being abandoned. Because of this… when I feel people or imagine people pulling away, I tend to shoot first and ask questions later—I usually try to ditch them before they ditch me.

6. Relationship churning–How many on-again off-again relationships have you been in? Why would you say you that you repeat this behavior?

Exactly zero. I don’t play that shit.

Bonus: Self-monitoring is the ability to both observe (or measure) and evaluate one’s behavior. It is an important component in human behavior that aids one to measure their behavioral outcomes against a set of standards. What sort of self-monitoring do you do on a regular basis?

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

A Moment

Hello, Lover, Best Friend, Sir, Daddy, Darlink. It’s officially your birthday and I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge (publically[even if it is my super secret sex blog]) my deep and abiding love, respect, adoration and desire for/of you.

You’re brilliant, my love. Please don’t ever stop being you. Happy Birthday.

Xoxo

Habitual Living, Daily Living Consisted of Work, Television, and Sexual Moments

Courtesy of Tumblr

Courtesy of Tumblr

Courtesy of Tumblr

 

 

Want.