I Think it’s Good to Remember…

That what you read here is half of my half of the story.
You read what I choose to share.
From my perspective.
You’ve never heard Sir’s side of the story about our interactions.
You read me.
Sometimes in the midst of an emotional turmoil.
Sometimes it is raw and the feelings are still with me.
Sometimes I embellish.
Sometimes I edit.
Oftentimes, I omit.

You read a product.
An account of my interactions,
In and out of order,
With a person whose identity I seek to protect,
Even above my own. 
This is a serialized telling of my life with him.
I leave you with half chapters.
And some of you… some of you
who I’ve never even interacted with
choose to believe you’ve read the whole book.

And in your heads, you paint him the villain
you paint me the villain
You make assumptions about our identities.
About why I stay anonymous.
About the realities of our situation.
About me.
About him.
And this is good.
I want you to wonder.
I want you to make up stories in your head.
To fill in the gaps.
To think of Fatal and Sir as what they are:
characters.
Characterizations of two real, flesh and blood people.

But if you think that your filler
makes for good fodder
to feed into my sensitive heart…
If you are an asshole who is seeking to hurt me
I want you to know
that I don’t give a fuck about you,
or your assumptions.
That my heart is sensitive for people that I care about.
But I am dead inside
for those who try to cross me.
That’s not an embellishment.
Nor is it a warning.
It is a statement of fact.

I grow weary of PSAs.
And I feel like I shouldn’t even waste my time with them.
The people who email me their opinions don’t even have the balls to say them in an open forum.
So why do I give them the head space or the blog space?
Because it’s my blog.
And I do as I damn well please.
That’s why.

My new email is FatalSyndrome@mail.com
Please take note.

TMI Tuesday: Get inside my Head

Oh Behave.

This week TMI Tuesday takes its cue from the world of psychology and sociology, which both deal with behavior.

1. Catharsis – What behavior or activity do you do to achieve catharsis.

Weep and Sob, self destruct, sex, rage, etc etc.

2. Self-affirmations was made famous by Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley (now Senator Al Franken): “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people like me.” What self-affirmation do you say/or should you say to yourself?

I don’t self-affirm. I’m not quite at the self actualization part of the pyramid yet. I suppose I should, it might make me a better person, except it’s pretty hard to look in a mirror these days.

3. “I knew it all along.” What did you know all along?

That this is all there was.

4. Daydreaming. About whom or what was your last daydream?

Whom? Naturally it was about Sir. When is it not? Tsk.
What? I was imagining myself in a different country.

5. We all have fears. What fear (real or improbable) have you taken steps against to protect yourself.

I fear being abandoned. Because of this… when I feel people or imagine people pulling away, I tend to shoot first and ask questions later—I usually try to ditch them before they ditch me.

6. Relationship churning–How many on-again off-again relationships have you been in? Why would you say you that you repeat this behavior?

Exactly zero. I don’t play that shit.

Bonus: Self-monitoring is the ability to both observe (or measure) and evaluate one’s behavior. It is an important component in human behavior that aids one to measure their behavioral outcomes against a set of standards. What sort of self-monitoring do you do on a regular basis?

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

I Have Weak Ankles

sustained from an old injury. They only flare up every once and again. Enough to make me fall head over heels on occasion.

My hair grows like a weed. I cut off six inches two or three weeks ago and now, I can barely tell a difference.

I grow my fingernails long and smooth and rounded. I used to file them into sharp little points once upon a time, but I’ve grown out of that phase.

I keep my feet in pedicures… they’re one of the few luxuries I really, really indulge in.

I have a soft heart and it makes me cry easily for animals, small children, the suffering of others, and the beautiful agony that is my own suffering.

I have a strong will that lets me struggle and strive.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and consequently, my body, that my personal trainer is trying to break me of; instead of seeing food as sustenance, which is all it is, I see it as both the enemy and comfort, depending on my mood.

My favorite parts of my body are all the little bony places: my wrists and ankles, my collarbones and hipbones, the tiny points where my ribs poke out beneath my breasts.

I want, more than anything, to travel, penniless, through the world, making my way the only way I know how.

But that thought frightens me too, because I know the terrible, squeezing grip of poverty well, the way it makes you unable to breathe, the anxiety it gives you, the scars it leaves… and I never want to know it so intimately, ever again.

They say people who drink whiskey straight are real alcoholics. I prefer to think of myself as a connoisseur.

My compartmentalizing skills are legendary: they are how I survive but also have the propensity to ruin me utterly.

The bottom part of the year is my favorite. Autumn is passing into Winter, and the cold air soothes my spirit. I’ve been listening to Christmas music like I need it to live, and I’ve had a roaring fireplace every night for a week… warranted, by the way.

I want something dangerous and exciting and new to happen to me very soon.

TMI Tuesday: Queen of the Night

Fill in the blank

1. When I can’t sleep I _____ .

Take a long, scalding shower; soak in a bath; go swimming; go walking; go driving; dance around the house; read a book; have sex; masturbate; write; listen to music; watch late night infomercials; put on a favorite movie.

2. My dream bedroom would be full of _____ .

Pillows. Lots and lots of pillows. Soft, beautiful, big pillows. And blankets of all different warm, snuggly fabrics. Maybe some mirrors… and some lovely dim lights. I’d definitely have a fireplace and a big, fluffy rug to lay on in front of it.

3. If I could wake up anywhere tomorrow it would be _____ .

Any country in Europe. In a gorgeous hotel or a cabin by some water… someone’s house that they rent out during all the seasons except for summer… lovely and well-kept and secluded. Somewhere where there would be a chance of snow.

4. I need to _____  at night.

Cuddle. I never want to cuddle more than when it is dark outside.

5. _____ would truly be a nightmare.

Never having sex again.

6. Night time is the right time to _____ .

Bonus:  Briefly tell us about your last dream–erotic or not.

In my last dream… I was a tiny girl, no more than 6 inches tall, and I was swinging on a perch in a bird cage while Sir was reaching in to stroke and poke at me through the bars.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday: Sexy Times

Welcome! Time to play TMI Tuesday “Sexy Times”

1. You walk into a party full of friends. One of them suddenly and quickly strips down naked. Which area of your naked friend’s body do you check out first?

I am always curious about dicks and tits, so that’s where I’d look for men and women respectively.

2. Have you ever masturbated in bed when a platonic friend or relative was sleeping in the same room or bed?

I have masturbated next to sleeping platonic friends in the same bed and I have masturbated in the same room as sleeping and awake relatives (which in my mind are always platonic, so I didn’t think that needed saying)

3. When was the first time you had a nocturnal orgasm aka a wet dream?

Man… I had to have been pretty young. They say after puberty, but I really think I was younger than that. I couldn’t tell you a certain age, but I’m fairly sensitive. I still have them pretty often. I also wake up masturbating. AND if I’m in bed with a partner, I’ve had, not necessarily complaints, but reports that I’ll wrap around them and start grinding against them.

4. Have you ever been caught naked by someone?

I’ve been caught masturbating. I’ve also been walked in on naked by several people. I try to stay naked as much as I can… so it happens.

5. Think of your dearest friend, do you think they are sexy? Why or why not?

My best friend is Sir. And yes, he’s sexy as hell. Why? I’m pretty sure my whole blog is an ode to his sexiness, so let me not ramble here.

6. If you had no choice, how many days do you think you could abstain from sex including masturbation?

I think… the longest I’ve gone is three weeks, if I remember correctly. I was on a cumming/touching ban while I was out of country… or maybe while Sir was out of town… one of those times. It was awful. I could probably go longer if he forced me to, but I was bouncing off the walls and begging constantly and just… being unbearably dirty.

Bonus: What gets you wet faster, phone sex or sexting?

Oh… phone sex for sure. I’m… such a slut for aural stimulation. Jesus fucking christmas. Sir knows this and uses it to his advantage.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Lights, Camera, Action

How quickly an idea, a desire, takes root in my head.

My heart pounds, my lips burn, my body aches.

I turn off the lights, and lay in the dark. And wait for the dreams to come.

The dreams of a fantasy I only share with you.

Grease paint and Blood.